Welcome to My Nightmare.

Actual conversation that just took place in my office with a particularly confrontational coworker and myself:

A: (sound muffled from background noise)...your customer??

Me:What?

A: (complete silence)

Me: I'm sorry I didn't hear you- what did you ask me?

A: I didn't like the way you just spoke to me so I am not telling you.

Me:(shocked that she could pull that much meaning/attitude from one inquisitive "what?") Umm, I think you are pulling a little too much out of what you heard. I just didn't understand what you said. Do you have a question to ask me?

A: (indignantly) No, no I don't.

Me: Come on, what grade are we in here. Just tell me what you need. It was not my intention to be rude. What do you need?

A: I'M not in ANY grade. You better stop making your snide remarks!!



Or what? Are you going to beat me down? For saying "what?" Could a stupider fight exist EVER?? I guess consider the source- this IS the woman who cussed me out for pointing at a bowl of ice cream from across the room.(Hence: Food Pointers Anonymous).

In case you were wondering, I never did find out what she wanted initially.

Life Lessons

I have decided to start posting things I learn as I learn them. Not only do I do a lot of stupid things, I tend to not learn often from my mistakes. So maybe if I blog about them, I will remember to not be so dumb. Or maybe I will still be dumb but you will have ammunition to make fun of me.

Life lessons for this week:

1. Don't be a hero. No one truly expects you to be able to juggle 10 value meals from McDonalds AND drinks, iced coffee, and milkshakes on your way back to the office. You WILL spill the coffee all over your floorboard. Then, when you think you have it clean, it will actually be stewing in its own filth, waiting for you to get back in the car 4 days later only to discover the most pungent, offensive smell known to man has taken over your entire car. You will be forced to hold your nose while driving to walmart to buy baking soda to douse the mold/mildew that has grown just so you can make it home without vomiting from the stench. Then you will spend over an hour cleaning it out with your friend and then the next week waiting for it to fully dry and for your olfactories to fully recover. So moral of the story: do not buy drinks for coworkers when you volunteer to pick up lunch. It will end very very badly.

2. Buy a gps system sooner rather than later. You get lost EVERYTIME you drive anywhere new. It doesn't matter if there is a 500 ft neon flashing sign that says "Hey you! Exit here!"- you will still miss the turn and veer 15 minutes off your route before you realize "Hey wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be on 36? That sign says 90..." Time to invest in a tom tom.

3.Sometimes people just suck. If they are the type of person who you can confront about their suckiness, then hooray for you because they will probably accept responsibility for their suckiness and mend their ways and it won't be an issue again. If you however come up against a person who sees no fault/error in their ways ever, you are really just beating your head against a brick wall repeatedly if you think confronting them or taking offense or worrying about how they acted will help the situation at all. Just sigh and try to avoid them until they stop sucking. Dwelling on it will only drive you insane. YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE and you certainly can't expect psychotic people to not be psychotic.

Give me a swift kick to the butt if you witness me ignoring any of these valuable lessons in the future.

Greetings From Washington D.C.

I went to Washington D.C.!! It was awesome! Proof below:

Emily refuses to follow instructions.

Tulips from the Netherlands!

The Iwo Jima Memorial. Love that quote.


Arlington Cemetary. Probably one of the most sobering experiences of my life.

My lame attempt at an artsy Cherry Blossoms photo.

Very moving to witness someone praying near the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

If you look closely, you will find Sheridan Street on the map. This woman next to me when I took the picture started joking with me about how I must be related to General Sheridan. It was strange, but she was old and cute & it turned out to be the most sarcastic/hilarious conversation I have ever had with a stranger.

Yay Shutsy! Unfortunate name, cool quote.

People wrote messages at the Women's Memorial @ Arlington Cemetary. He wants to be a Marine! Love it.

Oscar the Grouch and the Puffy Sleeved Shirt from Seinfield @ the American History Museum.

I attempted (and failed at) the "Look how tiny the Linclon Memorial is! I can hold it in my hand!" photo op. In mine and Emily's defense, it was very sunny & people were starting to stare.

So, so very true.

Georgetown is adorable.

The White House. Or, according to that unfortunate child we ran across, "Obama's House".

At the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Truly was incredible.

Hard to capture the beauty/meaning of the Vietnam Memorial. A moving experience to say the least.

So sassy. Half of the Washington Monument in background.

Curious caravan of Bike Cops crosses Constitution. (Alliteration!)

Emily attends George Washington's old church! How cool is that?

The Holocaust Museum was incredible, but hard to take in. Definitely something everyone should see.

Sky Mall: fun useless crap you would never have imagined existed/hours of fun on the airplane trip home. I wonder if this works.

Endless thanks to my wonderful friend Emily for hosting/facilitating this wonderful trip to our Nation's capital! If you haven't been, I highly recommend it. I may be a patriotic cheeseball, but I love me some America.

I'm Alive. I Know You Were Worried.

I'm sure there have been many sleepless nights. Thousands of people wondering "why hasn't she blogged? Where did she go?!" Well hello again dedicated reader(s).

I am currently packing (watching Grey's Anatomy) in preparation for my first trip to our nation's capital! I am going to see my (awesome!) Friend Emily who recently left her Texas roots behind to conquer Washington. I couldn't be more excited!! Wish me luck fitting everything into one suitcase and a "purse" (which has morphed into my backpack) so that I don't have to pay the OUTRAGEOUS $15 fee to check my luggage. Yes, I realize I am having a fit over $15, but it is the PRINCIPLE of the matter. Emily has graciously offered to let me borrow her contact solution and the rest of my liquids are below the size limit, so eat that Continental. I will not be bullied out of my hard earned money.

Off to bed then... D.C.!!!

Things I Have Learned This Week

People who have liscence plates saying: VRY HOT, are most likely, in fact, NOT very hot. This rule also applies to people who wear "BOOTYLICIOUS" shorts and "TOO HOT TO HANDLE" shirts, or any other variation on self promotion/false advertisement.

No amount of persuasion or fancy description will EVER get me to think eating sushi is a good idea.

I adore my iPod, and can't remember what life was like before it.

You should download music by Rachael Yamagata and Sia.

Marshmallow Peeps are soooooo cute.

Voting over 600 times for your favorite contestant on American Idol is both exhilarating and incredibly pathetic at the same time. [But my girl DID NOT get sent home this week, nor was she in the bottom 3. You're welcome, Allison. I share in your victory.]

I am not very adept at nailing/screwing things into the wall. But it is cathartic nonetheless.

Wings N More is allergic to getting your order right the first time.

Lindsay Lohan is a hot mess.

If you put food in front of me, I will eat it. Risk of stomach ache be damned.

My lack of romantic sensibility is astounding.

Bad cheese smells like feet and should not be consumed.

Cavity

I think I have a cavity. I haven't had a cavity in so long I don't even remember what you have to do to fix a cavity. How do you know if you have a cavity? I have a tendency to be a little dramatic when it comes to my various maladies, but it is very painful to eat cold beverages and foods on this one specific tooth (for several days now) and I am not really sure what else it could possibly be. "Go to the dentist," you say. Well, 7 days ago, this would not have been an issue- mind you for the past 25 years this would not have been an issue. But as of 4/1/09, my dental coverage was cancelled, voluntarily, by me. I cannot give you a better example of the kind of luck I have.

On a brighter note, American Idol is on tonight!! VOTE FOR ALLISON- I have no clue why this wonderfully talented girl is getting NO LOVE from America. I intend to vote repeatedly for her tonight. I know, I have gone to the "dark side"- a place where reality television is of great value and importance. But I like it here. There is much entertainment.

People still skateboard?

So, I am just innocently trying to come up my parking garage so I can park and relax in my apartment after dinner and drinks with some friends. When all of the sudden 5 or 20 million kids come skateboarding down the garage like a pack of...well, skateboarding freaks, if you can imagine. They might as well have dropped from the rafters directly onto the hood of my car- they came out of nowhere I tell you!! Dumb brats are lucky I have the reflexes of a cat. And since when did it become cool again to ride skateboards? I didn't know that kids were still into this. Little hoodlums. AND I just sounded like my mother.