Project Eat Better: Day One.

I have decided to take control of my life and cut out (or at least cut down) on the fried foods and sweets/snacks that I have so happily thrived on for the past 25 years (or more accurately, ever since I moved out of mom & dad's house and was forced to forage for my own food). I went to HEB and stocked up on fruits, veggies, granola, and anything my "nutritionist" (aka my friend who eats healthy) said I should eat. I shall call this "Project Eat Better" and I intend to really stick to a strict diet for at least 2 weeks straight. I feel one of two things will happen:

a) I start feeling better, have more energy, break my nasty eating habits and continue to eat healthier on a regular basis
b) I lose will power, crack, and continue to subsist off of grease, fat and chocolate.

Either way I win??

My journey begins:

Tuesday 5/26, 1:20 PM. It's been 5 hours. All I want is a Nutty Bar. I am lucky I had to work through 30 minutes of lunch today, forcing me to stay at the office. If I had gone home, I think I would have convinced myself to go ahead and eat those 4 Nutty Bars on the premise that this one time, it wouldn't hurt anything. I can hear myself now: "Sheridan, you ate strawberries and pineapple this morning. And there was lettuce on your food at lunch. Go ahead, eat the crap out of that chocolate. It's your reward. You almost NEED to in order to offset the fruit. It will taste so good and you will be so happy. EAT IT." I don't normally talk to myself in the third person. Or outloud. Oh crap. I just found a box of Nutty Bars in my desk drawer at work. Stay strong. You are only wanting to eat them out of boredom. And because of their peanut buttery, milk chocolatey, melt in your mouth goodness.... Nutty Bars are evil. Banana. Banana is good. Must eat.

TGIF

I have never been so happy to see the weekend on the horizon. I don't know why, but I have this anxious feeling that I MUST. GET. OUT. My cubicle is greatly offending me and I am pretty sure my chair is holding me down against my will. Dramatic, yes. I guess it is the glorious 3-day weekend looming ahead, enticing me to abandon my adult responsibilities.....

Nothing of vast importance to say, so here are my random "It's Friday!" notes on pop culture and society.

I found this story that I enjoyed. I love that he is from Texas. I love Texas.

File this under "Some people really gross me out/the fall of American morals and values".

Regardless of how you felt about the outcome of American Idol (or how much you didn't care at all), how adorable is Kris Allen?

This movie comes out today and I think it looks so stupid. I am highly offended by that preview where the pregnant woman is dancing and then has her baby on the dance floor and the baby starts break dancing. ICK. Nightmares.

However, this movie looks awesome and the geek in me can't wait to see it.

STOP GIVING THIS VAPID HUSSY HEADLINES.

Thanks to Courtney for finding this gem online. Another reason celebrities make me laugh and laugh and laugh...

Scary.

Pretty soon, the Pope himself will be twittering.

AMAZING! What a little hero.


HAPPY FRIDAY/MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

Today, My Heart Breaks.

Well, ABC did it. They canceled my show, "Samantha Who?". Why do they always cancel good shows for crap like "America's Next Top Survivor Housewife of New York's Shot with Tila Rock of Love Pussycat Dolls" reality television smut? Add this to my running list of shows canceled before their time.

RIP:

Veronica Mars
Arrested Development
Samantha Who?

Feel free to add your favorite underappreciated shows below & we will all take a moment of silence.

More Fun With Lists

I'm stealing a blog idea from you Em. It's a clever idea and everyone needs a "Things to do before I die" list. Maybe this way, if I put it in writing, I will be contractually obligated to ACTUALLY do these things...

Go on a booze cruise (You know, like on The Office.)
Try sushi one more time (and determine once and for all it is sick sick sick).
Own a house.
Swim with dolphins.
Travel throughout Europe.
Attend the Super Bowl.
Road trip around the United States.
Find a reason to move to and then a way to afford living in Hawaii- at least for a little while.
Take surfing lessons.
Be an extra in a movie or tv show.
Go to the Summer Olympics (2012!!!).
See a concert in a foreign city.
Learn to play the guitar and re-learn the piano. Become traveling musician, singing/playing for change and living like a nomad until I get "discovered". (Really only the first part.)
Become conversationally proficient in a foreign language- preferably French or Spanish. Or Italian. Or all, and then take over the world.
Have a job I love (where I don't have to constantly be on the phone).
Write a book.
Spontaneously fly somewhere for the weekend, just because I can.
Marry. Procreate.
See the Pyramids.
GREECE. AUSTRALIA. INFINITY AND BEYOND.
Teach a dance class.
Own a coffee house or laid-back bar with my sister (still doing this, right??).

Run like a fool singing "Climb Every Mountain" in some fabulous open field in Austria, or wherever they filmed that one scene in "The Sound of Music". Weird, I know.

Eat a crepe in France.

Learn to drive a stick shift.

Have a picnic in Central Park.

Take an Alaskan cruise.

Read the Bible cover to cover.

Live in a small, charming Italian town for a while.

I have no idea how the spacing got off at the end of this post and I can't get it to look right. Stupid blog.

Weekend Update

Well, if you didn't contribute to the $72-some-odd million dollar opening that Star Trek had this weekend, then you don't know: the movie is actually really awesome. I blogged last time that I was excited to see it and I couldn't have been more entertained had Kirk himself sat down beside me. I give it 5 stars! (That rating is worthless). But seriously, go see it.

We were actually the first in line (bring on the nerd jokes Emily).

And we got a candid shot with an actual Starfleet Captain.

Very successful outing. Bravo J. J. Abrams. I will continue to watch and adore almost everything you have a hand in.

Happy Trekkie Day!

I am going to see Star Trek today!! Laugh all you want, but I am super excited. I used to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation with my family all the time and the original Star Trek movies are awesome (Khaaaaannn!!!!!!). I am by no means an actual "trekkie", but I am not ashamed to admit a healthy fondness for the show. So far the critics have hailed it as a must see, so here's hoping they don't murder the franchise.

Going back to a previous blog from this week, I would like to make a general disclaimer:

DO NOT SEE Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Do not pass go, do not spend $10 for a ticket- it is a waste of money and 2 hours you will never get back. Phew, had to get that out. I really don't know WHAT I was expecting from a Matthew McConaughey flick- Oscar winning performances? Witty dialogue? Clever plotlines? Cohesive scenes? Believable characters? Well, regardless of what I was hoping for, I got none of the above. I didn't even get a cheesily-constructed but slightly heartwarming chick flick. I got 2 hours of Matthew McConaughey saying creepy things to women who (believably?) fell for his "charm" (because we are all that easy) and a string of annoying, unrealistic, vapid, and did I mention ANNOYING characters that activated my "WHAT THE..." facial expressions repeatedly. OK so it wasn't the WORST piece of crud ever put to film, and I didn't walk out, so I guess it was bearable enough. But I would not recommend you waste YOUR time. I took one for the team, so you don't have to. You're welcome.

Some Observations

I'm bored at work, so you get 2 blog posts today. Lucky you! Here are some things to ponder.


Everytime my boss hands me back paperwork she has had on her desk, it has food stains on it. Ewww.

Last night, for the second time, I parked on the 3rd level of my complex & attempted to enter my apartment. I, however, live on the 4th floor.

Matthew McConaughey is kind of a tool, but I am going to go see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" tonight anyway.

American Idol boots off another singer tonight and I am boycotting if it isn't Danny Gokey. His rendition of "Dream On" by Aerosmith sounded like a dying cat. Being run over. By 12 cars.

That's all for now.

Welcome to My Nightmare.

Actual conversation that just took place in my office with a particularly confrontational coworker and myself:

A: (sound muffled from background noise)...your customer??

Me:What?

A: (complete silence)

Me: I'm sorry I didn't hear you- what did you ask me?

A: I didn't like the way you just spoke to me so I am not telling you.

Me:(shocked that she could pull that much meaning/attitude from one inquisitive "what?") Umm, I think you are pulling a little too much out of what you heard. I just didn't understand what you said. Do you have a question to ask me?

A: (indignantly) No, no I don't.

Me: Come on, what grade are we in here. Just tell me what you need. It was not my intention to be rude. What do you need?

A: I'M not in ANY grade. You better stop making your snide remarks!!



Or what? Are you going to beat me down? For saying "what?" Could a stupider fight exist EVER?? I guess consider the source- this IS the woman who cussed me out for pointing at a bowl of ice cream from across the room.(Hence: Food Pointers Anonymous).

In case you were wondering, I never did find out what she wanted initially.

Life Lessons

I have decided to start posting things I learn as I learn them. Not only do I do a lot of stupid things, I tend to not learn often from my mistakes. So maybe if I blog about them, I will remember to not be so dumb. Or maybe I will still be dumb but you will have ammunition to make fun of me.

Life lessons for this week:

1. Don't be a hero. No one truly expects you to be able to juggle 10 value meals from McDonalds AND drinks, iced coffee, and milkshakes on your way back to the office. You WILL spill the coffee all over your floorboard. Then, when you think you have it clean, it will actually be stewing in its own filth, waiting for you to get back in the car 4 days later only to discover the most pungent, offensive smell known to man has taken over your entire car. You will be forced to hold your nose while driving to walmart to buy baking soda to douse the mold/mildew that has grown just so you can make it home without vomiting from the stench. Then you will spend over an hour cleaning it out with your friend and then the next week waiting for it to fully dry and for your olfactories to fully recover. So moral of the story: do not buy drinks for coworkers when you volunteer to pick up lunch. It will end very very badly.

2. Buy a gps system sooner rather than later. You get lost EVERYTIME you drive anywhere new. It doesn't matter if there is a 500 ft neon flashing sign that says "Hey you! Exit here!"- you will still miss the turn and veer 15 minutes off your route before you realize "Hey wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be on 36? That sign says 90..." Time to invest in a tom tom.

3.Sometimes people just suck. If they are the type of person who you can confront about their suckiness, then hooray for you because they will probably accept responsibility for their suckiness and mend their ways and it won't be an issue again. If you however come up against a person who sees no fault/error in their ways ever, you are really just beating your head against a brick wall repeatedly if you think confronting them or taking offense or worrying about how they acted will help the situation at all. Just sigh and try to avoid them until they stop sucking. Dwelling on it will only drive you insane. YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE and you certainly can't expect psychotic people to not be psychotic.

Give me a swift kick to the butt if you witness me ignoring any of these valuable lessons in the future.